We found out Friday night that our flight for our summer vacation on Saturday would be delayed by three hours. While this was of supreme frustration for the boys. . . mama was secretly relieved. It meant the middle-of-the-night packing fiasco, could now also be deferred until Saturday and I could go to bed at a decent hour the night before vacation. . . for the first time ever. I did exactly that. I went to bed and left ALL the packing for Saturday.
It was fabulous.
It was fabulous, until Saturday. I woke up Saturday with an unsettled feeling that I couldn’t shake. I knew I had plenty of time to pack, but it just didn’t feel right to know all that packing was standing between us and making that 4:30 departure to paradise. I was fun, “vacation Crystal” for about an hour of the morning, dancing and laughing and ready to hit the beach. But as each minute passed, I grew more and more anxious about being able to get it all done.
I turned into “stressed out Crystal” in a hurry.
She’s a totally different person from vacation Crystal. I was a task-master. I was demanding. I was running from room to room, barking orders. Yes, Cake by the Ocean was still playing on repeat. . . all day long. . . but I’m pretty sure everyone was questioning their desire to achieve that dream after all.
The scene wasn’t a pretty one.
When we finally got in the truck, with my generous and patient brother-in-law, after he’d been waiting at our house for an entire hour beyond our planned departure, we were sweaty, frustrated and worried we might not make the flight. (the only flight they offered until Wednesday) I called the airline to beg and plead for grace and was relieved to learn that it would be extended to us.
In that moment, we all took our first real breath of the day, and realized we’d be on vacation, soon.
After that first breath, I immediately began to feel shame. I felt terrible for my attitude and all the pressure I put on the boys. I felt irresponsible for going to bed early and waiting to pack. I felt selfish and mean. I worried that I’d scarred the boys for life with all my demanding. So I apologized and tried to breathe and relax, and let myself off the hook.
Then yesterday, while out on the paddle board with Oaks, I was reminded of something that might encourage you too.
We were laughing and splashing and having a great time. He was diving, looking for shells, coral or anything interesting, when he popped out of water with this beauty and quite possibly the biggest smile I’d ever seen. He found a shark tooth and he was ecstatic. This is the stuff that only happens in his dreams.
That’s when I realized, it’s not.
It’s the stuff that happens in his real life. It’s the stuff that happens because he has privilege beyond belief. It’s the stuff that happens because he has a very imperfect mother who, in her frenzy, remembered his mask and snorkel.
Even through your imperfections, there’s something good in the making.
Keep showing up. Keep showing love. Keep apologizing when you don’t do it perfectly. You are human, after all.
And it turns out, the good stuff in life comes through love and apologies.
to more love,