Hostile Dependency

Hostile Dependency ~ Crystal Gornto | HeartStories

This is Oakley’s “I’m having the time of my life, but I’m pretending to be mad at you” face.  It’s one of my favorites.  In this picture I was actually just trying to get him to come sit with me in the front of the boat and he thought I was wanting to tickle him.

It was a good laugh.

Clearly, it wasn’t truly hostile.  But I read this blog yesterday from Love & Logic that enlightened me to something I hadn’t ever put words to.  When we dote on our kids, our husbands or even our bosses and do everything for them, instead of creating goodwill and appreciation, it can create difficulty in the relationship.

We can try to discount it, but it’s real.

“This phenomenon is known as hostile dependency. Embedded in the human soul is the drive to be independent. It is common to hate the feeling of dependency and quickly transfer the blame to those who make us feel dependent. Their good intentions are soon forgotten, as anger sets in.” ~ Jim Fay

It seems like such an irony.  

While we’re running around taking care of every little detail, making sure life is not too difficult for others, we are taking away their power.  And it’s making them hostile, even if we don’t know it.  The reverse is true as well.  Allowing the ones we love to have responsibility and holding them accountable for roles, actually provides freedom and confidence.  That, self-awareness and self-confidence, actually makes their lives easier.

The same goes for you.

It can happen in any relationship, from a friendship or a marriage, to a high-powered corporate role.  If you’re allowing someone else to do everything for you and you find yourself becoming resentful instead of grateful, this is why.  You need to step up and pull your own weight.   Take more responsibility and ownership for the outcomes in your life.

Everyone needs to feel like a valuable part of the team.

In this crazy world we’re living in, we can all use a little less “hostile” in our lives.

to more love,


Leave a Reply

More Blog Posts
to Love ...