I don’t remember when my issues with food began, but I do know it’s always been my drug of choice. I’ve always found great pleasure in what I feed my body—and often great disgust with how I feel afterward.
When I was young, there was no judgment attached. Pizza parties and double scoops.
Those were the days of eating for pleasure.
In college, I had a love for fast food and convenience. But somewhere along the line, shame snuck in. Those weren’t healthy choices; they were choices I should hide.
Those were the days of self-conscious eating.
Eventually, I turned my attention toward my body. When I moved to Texas, the women all looked like movie stars. I remember feeling like I could never compete. I didn’t have money for the best makeup or a makeover, so I joined a gym instead.
Those were the days of compulsive exercise.
During that time, I met my husband, and as our wedding neared the focus of being a bride only heightened my body image issues, turning me into an over-exerciser and under eater. I stood on the alter the skinniest I’d ever been but also the most self-conscious.
From that day forward, I have fought to find my self-worth.
When you suffer with the way you look, you are rarely satisfied. When food is your drug—your comfort, your means to cope—you will never be full. I’ve tried just about every way to obsess, control, and correct my looks, and now, finally, I’m moving toward acceptance.
“All men may have been created equal,” but that doesn’t apply to body size. It’s time we quit the comparison game.
I hope we can one day live in a world where worth isn’t defined by numbers—whether that be on a scale, a bank account, or likes on a post. I hope we can find a way to look at the beauty around and within and accept that the outward was never going to stay the same anyhow.
I hope I live long enough that saggy skin and stretch marks are in style. It would mean I’ve aged well and been able to watch my children grow.
There’s a lot of worth in us, I know it. And if yours, like mine, is buried underneath, it’s our job to dig it out (and eat that donut without guilt). Food fasts, fad diets, and shopping binges are really appealing, but external validation is fleeting.
We’ve got to start putting away our scales and weighing other areas of our lives for what they’re worth. We’ve got to keep our brains busy, feeding them until they’re full of fun facts, or service projects, or junky tv, or meaningful girlfriend talks.
We’ve got to keep our lives heavy, so we don’t have to be.
To More Love,
Stephanie
